Las Vegas – The 2022 NFL Draft is underway in Sin City as a record 5 defensive players from the Georgia Bulldogs championship roster are selected in the first round. What’s more shocking is what commissioner Roger Goodell said on stage late Thursday night before the picks even started coming in. “Yep, those humans are future NFL players,” he said while blocking the stage light glare from his eyes with his left hand, the number one pick card in the other.

The revelation comes as a complete shock from an organization that has historically seen NFL players as nothing more than assets and pawns to make the owners money. “To call them humans is just so out of the ordinary,” commented draft wizard Mel Kiper Jr. live on the ESPN set, “and I expect some owners to push back on that.” And he would be correct. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, whose squad has 3 playoff wins since 2002, remarked, “This is now just a whole slippery slope toward something major we won’t ever be able to turn back from, I mean that in the most negative way possible. What’s next, treating them like humans, too?”

With the second round slated to start Friday night, we’ll see if the backlash has reached the commissioner’s desk, or chair, rather.

MOSCOW – The Kremlin has admitted in a brief press release this evening that the Russian military has been firing on its own troops the entire time they have been involved in the war in Ukraine. The statement explained how, throughout the entire conflict, all Russian casualties have solely been the result of direct fire from differing Russian groups of troops scattered throughout the region. What was not confirmed is whether or not it has been intentional or simply friendly-fire.

An anonymous Ukrainian sergeant commented, “We’ve barely fired a single bullet at Russian troops. We saw one unit of armored vehicles approaching on the main highway one morning, then a couple hours they were air raided by Russian aircraft. Later in the evening that same Russian armored vehicle unit sustained a heavy artillery ambush from the East for at least two-and-a-half hours. After our leadership confirmed it wasn’t us, we knew the Russians were just firing on themselves, for God knows why.”

History of global armed conflicts expert, Sara Tallner, shed some light on the situation saying that Russia was most likely too proud to admit defeat from anyone except themselves. “This is just beyond the meaning of that concept, though,” she said. “Its one thing to firmly believe the only one holding you back is yourself, but to actually put that into practice? I’m actually losing sleep trying to determine their true motivation for this. Just maddening. I mean, I know they were struggling to push back the Ukrainians to begin with, but I suppose they can just blame this military failure on being defeated by themselves,” Tallner elaborated.

The revelation comes after a couple of shocking reports over the past week of Russia’s Black Sea fleet flagship, the Moskva, sinking after only acknowledging an onboard fire (and no attack), and President Vladimir Putin today pulling the plug on foreign listed companies on the Russian stock exchange.