Washington, D.C. – After a draft majority opinion authored by Justice Alito was circulated among the media on Monday afternoon, the Supreme Court held an emergency vote to rank the religions. The Sower’s Sack has obtained exclusive access to transcriptions of the deliberations from inside the most secretive institution in America.

“Fuck it, lets rank the religions,” stated Chief Justice John Roberts. “Why not?” added Justice Elena Kagan. Chief Justice Roberts went on to explain how there was nothing else to lose now, and they all have lifetime appointments anyway, remarking, “What are they gonna do, hold us accountable? No one even knows we exist until the day we release decisions anyway.”

After drawing straws to see who would go first, Justice Sonia Sotomayor picked at number one, “Fuck it, Odinani is the number one ranked religion in the world.” She did not elaborate.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh would pick next, “Alright, at number two I’m gonna go with Bathouism. Just because, if you don’t like it then fuck you.”

Picking third, Justice Clarence Thomas confidently decided, “Konkokyo is definitely the third religion in the world, no doubt about it.”

At number four was Justice Samuel Alito, under recent scrutiny for the recent leak of his majority opinion surrounding the challenge to Roe v. Wade. “I’ve long contended that Gaianism the fourth best world religion, everyone knows that,” he said convincingly.

Justice Elena Kagan picked at number five, giddily, “I’ve always wanted to do this, thanks John. Okay, let’s see…Oh, Gardenerian Wicca is absolutely the fifth ranked religion. Fuck you.”

Justice Amy Coney Barret, picking at number six, after the longest internal deliberation of the nine picked, “Kemetism, for sure. Kemetism is the sixth best religion. A lot of people are hesitant to admit it, but it is.”

At pick number seven was Justice Neil Gorsuch, who wasted no time and had also already given this a lot of thought before, asserted without hesitation, “Udmurt Vos.”

Pick number eight went to Justice Stephen Breyer, who picked “Choctaw mythology, for sure.”

Rounding out the religion rankings was none other than Chief Justice John Roberts himself, who, after some lively debate with his clerks, exclaimed, “Alright, I’ll just go ahead and say it. Hinduism!” And to conclude the voting remarks, he pronounced, “Okay, glad we all got that over with. Frankly, this was going to happen to this court eventually, so why not us.”

The majority opinion on the religion rankings is expected to be authored by Chief Justice Roberts and released some time within the next two weeks.