THE VATICAN, ROME – In a bombshell papal missive released this afternoon, Pope Leo XIV has revealed in his first official published word from his seat of authority that the apocalyptic figures ever so abundantly referenced in pop-culture is incorrect. Vatican linguists have determined through new research of manuscripts discovered in a shipwreck off the island of Patmos that the phrase was incorrectly translated from its original Greek, and that the word for “cock” had been omitted. It is not known if this was done by mistake or intentionally. “Perhaps, our author of Revelation had desires and imaginations beyond our understanding,” His Holiness speculated with a wink at a news conference about the paper this afternoon. “Through new avenues of prayerful conversation with God about this scientific discovery, it has been revealed to me the true meaning of the allegorical Four Horsemen was simply meant to describe the writers of the four Gospels as incredibly well-endowed,” he added. When asked if Catholics around the world should be fearful of or intimidated by this new interpretation, he responded, “Based on my experience, yes. But God is loving and does not put fear in the hearts of men. It seems He is now asking us to let something else in.”

The discovery is seen by some to challenge the Church’s longstanding opposition to homosexuality. While Pope Francis was the first to offer any sort of tonal shift on how the gay community should be loved and welcomed into the Church, Pope Leo XIV has not yet had the opportunity until now. When asked a question on if this new interpretation threatens the sinful nature view of homosexuality, Pope Leo XIV could barely mutter, “still experimenting-“, before the Vatican Press Secretary whisked him away back into the Apostolic Palace.

“This is truly revolutionary, and gives us a whole new understanding of Revelation,” commented one anonymous senior Vatican official. “When piecing together the rest of the mistranslated passages and building up the most logical grammatical archetypes, we now have to interpret that story as the four writers of the Gospels coming back to Earth to…simply hang dong (sic).”

Their real incentive in doing so has yet to be unearthed. Additional analysis will be done on the manuscripts to determine any size descriptions and what scale references might have been used at the time.