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Uvalde, TX (TSS) – FROM AP:

An 18-year-old gunman opened fire Tuesday at a Texas elementary school, killing at least 18 children, officials said, and the gunman was dead.

The death toll also included three adults, according to state Sen. Roland Gutierrez, who said he was briefed by state police on the fatalities. But it was not immediately clear whether that number included the assailant.

It was the deadliest shooting at a U.S. grade school since a gunmen killed 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, almost a decade ago. And it came just 10 days after a gunman in body armor killed 10 Black shoppers and workers at a supermarket in Buffalo, New York, in what authorities say was a racist attack.

Federal law enforcement officials said the death toll was expected to rise. They spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to release investigative details.

The gunman entered Robb Elementary School in Uvalde with a handgun and possibly a rifle, Gov. Greg Abbott said. Officials did not immediately reveal a motive, but the governor identified the assailant as Salvador Ramos and said he was a resident of the heavily Latino community about 85 miles (135 kilometers) west of San Antonio.

A Border Patrol agent who was nearby when the shooting began rushed into the school without waiting for backup and shot and killed the gunman, who was behind a barricade, according to a law enforcement official speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to talk about it.

The agent was wounded but able to walk out of the school, the law enforcement source said.

Abbott said the shooter was likely killed by police officers but that the events were still being investigated. The school district’s police chief, Pete Arredondo, said that the attacker acted alone.

The massacre of young children was another gruesome moment for a country scarred by an almost ceaseless string of mass killings at churches, schools and stores. And the prospects for any reform in the nation’s gun regulations seemed at least as dim as in the aftermath of the Sandy Hook deaths.

The gunman in Uvalde “shot and killed, horrifically, incomprehensibly, 14 students, and killed a teacher,” the governor said, adding that two officers were also wounded but were expected to survive.

“Pray for the lost, their families, and Uvalde,” San Antonio Mayor Ron Nirenberg said in a tweet.

It was not immediately clear how many people were wounded, but Arredondo said there were “several injuries.” Earlier, Uvalde Memorial Hospital said 13 children were taken there. Another hospital reported a 66-year-old woman was in critical condition.

Robb Elementary School has an enrollment of just under 600 students, and Arredondo said it serves students in the second, third and fourth grade. He did not provide ages of the children who were shot. This was the school’s last week of classes before summer break.

A heavy police presence surrounded the school Tuesday afternoon, with officers in heavy vests diverting traffic and FBI agents coming and going from the building.

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said President Joe Biden was briefed on the shooting on Air Force One as he returned from a five-day trip to Asia. Biden was scheduled to deliver remarks Tuesday evening at the White House.

Uvalde is home to about 16,000 people and is the seat of government for Uvalde County. The town is about 75 miles (120 kilometers) from the border with Mexico. Robb Elementary is in a mostly residential neighborhood of modest homes.

The tragedy in Uvalde was the deadliest school shooting in Texas history, and it added to a grim tally of mass shootings in the state that have been among the deadliest in the U.S. over the past five years.

In 2018, a gunman fatally shot 10 people at Santa Fe High School in the Houston area. A year before that, a gunman at a Texas church killed more than two dozen people during a Sunday service in the small town of Sutherland Springs. In 2019, another gunman at a Walmart in El Paso killed 23 people in a racist attack.

The shooting came days before the National Rifle Association annual convention was set to begin in Houston. Abbott and both of Texas’ U.S. senators were among elected Republican officials who were the scheduled speakers at a Friday leadership forum sponsored by the NRA’s lobbying arm.

In the years since Sandy Hook, the gun control debate in Congress has waxed and waned. Efforts by lawmakers to change U.S. gun policies in any significant way have consistently faced roadblocks from Republicans and the influence of outside groups such as the NRA.

A year after Sandy Hook, Sens. Joe Manchin a West Virginia Democrat, and Patrick J. Toomey, a Pennsylvania Republican, negotiated a bipartisan proposal to expand the nation’s background check system. But as the measure was close to being brought to the Senate floor for a vote, it became clear it would not get enough votes to clear a 60-vote filibuster hurdle.

Then-President Barack Obama, who had made gun control central to his administration’s goals after the Newtown shooting, called Congress’ failure to act “a pretty shameful day for Washington.”

Last year, the House passed two bills to expand background checks on firearms purchases. One bill would have closed a loophole for private and online sales. The other would have extended the background check review period. Both languished in the 50-50 Senate, where Democrats need at least 10 Republican votes to overcome objections from a filibuster.

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Associated Press writers Jake Bleiberg in Dallas, Ben Fox in Washington, Paul J. Weber in Austin and Juan Lozano in Houston contributed to this report.

Uvalde, TX (TSS) – A horrifying and traumatic event for most of the world population, the mass shooting at a Texas elementary school on Tuesday left some seething with jealous rage. Third grader Timothy Watkans, aka “Little Timmy”, is just overflowing with passionate envy that 18 of his schoolmates had revealed to them the divine and consecrated meaning of the Founding Father’s intentions behind the Second Amendment. “Most people just think it’s (the Constitution) some old crusty text written over 200 years ago in a world with completely different societal and technological structure, but they are blind to its true hallowed meaning,” Little Timmy remarked. He continued to explain that to be slaughtered by a firearm is exactly the transcendental and sanctified experience he yearns for every single day he steps foot into his school. “I am just so jealous,” he added, “that these schoolmates of mine were lucky enough to witness to such a spiritual event. I was just finishing drying my hands in the bathroom, because I drank way too much apple juice this morning on the bus, when I heard the shots ringing down the hallway. So I sprinted toward the ensuing commotion in hopes I could attain a glimpse of bliss. But, nay, the other children and the gunman were already shot dead. Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud the gunman was just exercising his second amendment rights, just as the Founding Fathers intended.” He also wanted to let his parents know that it isn’t his fault he wasn’t killed, and he will not drink as much apple juice next time so that he can stay in his classroom at all times for future shootings.

Washington, D.C. (TSS) – Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz is back fresh in the news cycle this week after pondering on Twitter how many “over-educated, under-loved” women have participated in protests in the wake of Supreme Court leaks suggesting Roe v. Wade will be overturned.

The tweet came just days after a leaked draft majority opinion, authored by Justice Samuel Alito, said that the rulings in cases such as Roe v. Wade and PP v. Casey “must be overturned”. The Supreme Court has since authenticated the draft but emphasized it is not a final decision.

Protesters across the nation have since taken to the streets to express their frustration and speak out against the impending ruling that would undue the last 50 years of fighting to keep women’s healthcare rights.

Representative Gaetz is currently under active federal investigation for alleged sex trafficking charges for paying for and engaging in sexual activity with a minor female.

A number of Twitter incels and pedophiles naturally thought the congressman was alluding that if women are over-educated then they are no longer fit for trafficking. Twitter user @GGblackham1812 explained in an unprompted DM to The Sower’s Sack, “Well, he said these women were under-loved, which was code to us that they need our loving, if you know what I mean. But what threw me off was the part he included about their education level. I thought we were just worried about their age, now we have to worry about what grade they got in Trigonometry? As an adamant supporter of his, that really upset me.” The Sower’s Sack did not respond with follow-up questioning.

When pressed for clarification in the replies by his supporters on what exactly he meant, Gaetz said in a statement, “Let me be crystal clear, I support trafficking of all women. Not just under-educated ones. I do not discriminate in my trafficking. Plus, when they’re smart it provides me an extra challenge. It can get boring and repetitive if they’re dumb and too easy.” What the 39-year-old Gaetz did not elaborate on was what he defined as the optimum education level, although evidence suggests he prefers them without a high school diploma.

Washington, D.C. – After a draft majority opinion authored by Justice Alito was circulated among the media on Monday afternoon, the Supreme Court held an emergency vote to rank the religions. The Sower’s Sack has obtained exclusive access to transcriptions of the deliberations from inside the most secretive institution in America.

“Fuck it, lets rank the religions,” stated Chief Justice John Roberts. “Why not?” added Justice Elena Kagan. Chief Justice Roberts went on to explain how there was nothing else to lose now, and they all have lifetime appointments anyway, remarking, “What are they gonna do, hold us accountable? No one even knows we exist until the day we release decisions anyway.”

After drawing straws to see who would go first, Justice Sonia Sotomayor picked at number one, “Fuck it, Odinani is the number one ranked religion in the world.” She did not elaborate.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh would pick next, “Alright, at number two I’m gonna go with Bathouism. Just because, if you don’t like it then fuck you.”

Picking third, Justice Clarence Thomas confidently decided, “Konkokyo is definitely the third religion in the world, no doubt about it.”

At number four was Justice Samuel Alito, under recent scrutiny for the recent leak of his majority opinion surrounding the challenge to Roe v. Wade. “I’ve long contended that Gaianism the fourth best world religion, everyone knows that,” he said convincingly.

Justice Elena Kagan picked at number five, giddily, “I’ve always wanted to do this, thanks John. Okay, let’s see…Oh, Gardenerian Wicca is absolutely the fifth ranked religion. Fuck you.”

Justice Amy Coney Barret, picking at number six, after the longest internal deliberation of the nine picked, “Kemetism, for sure. Kemetism is the sixth best religion. A lot of people are hesitant to admit it, but it is.”

At pick number seven was Justice Neil Gorsuch, who wasted no time and had also already given this a lot of thought before, asserted without hesitation, “Udmurt Vos.”

Pick number eight went to Justice Stephen Breyer, who picked “Choctaw mythology, for sure.”

Rounding out the religion rankings was none other than Chief Justice John Roberts himself, who, after some lively debate with his clerks, exclaimed, “Alright, I’ll just go ahead and say it. Hinduism!” And to conclude the voting remarks, he pronounced, “Okay, glad we all got that over with. Frankly, this was going to happen to this court eventually, so why not us.”

The majority opinion on the religion rankings is expected to be authored by Chief Justice Roberts and released some time within the next two weeks.

Washington, D.C. – The Supreme Court has voted to overturn deez nuts, revealed in an draft majority opinion being circulated written by Justice Alito obtained by The Sower’s Sack.

The draft opinion is a harsh, unfiltered rebuke of the 2015 YouTube upload of the popular original vine which gave international exposure and insertion into common vernacular of the classic “deez nuts” joke. “Deez nuts were egregiously wrong from the start,” Alito writes.

“We hold that deez nuts must be overruled,” he writes in the document, labeled as the “Opinion of the Court.” “It is time to heed the Constitution and return the issue of deez nuts to the people’s elected representatives.”

However, the court’s decision is not final. Debate surrounding controversial topics can occur all the way from initial oral arguments up to the day before a final decision is revealed. The cour’s holding on deez nuts will not be final until it is published, which is predicted to be within the next two months.

The immediate impact of the ruling would end more than half decade of guaranteed protection and mirth of deez nuts jokes which are commonly used as nominal situational sources of humor or to diffuse immensely tense conversations or interrogations. Some court-watchers predicted the conservative majority of the court would slice away at deez nuts without overtly flattening them. The draft shows the court is looking to reject deez nuts logic and humor protections.

Alito’s draft opinion rejects the idea that joke bans reflect the subjugation of deez nuts in American society. “Jokes are not without satirical or ironic power,” he writes.

The Supreme Court held the final day of arguments of this term last Wednesday, and has set a series of sessions over the next two months to release rulings, including deez nuts.

Las Vegas – The 2022 NFL Draft is underway in Sin City as a record 5 defensive players from the Georgia Bulldogs championship roster are selected in the first round. What’s more shocking is what commissioner Roger Goodell said on stage late Thursday night before the picks even started coming in. “Yep, those humans are future NFL players,” he said while blocking the stage light glare from his eyes with his left hand, the number one pick card in the other.

The revelation comes as a complete shock from an organization that has historically seen NFL players as nothing more than assets and pawns to make the owners money. “To call them humans is just so out of the ordinary,” commented draft wizard Mel Kiper Jr. live on the ESPN set, “and I expect some owners to push back on that.” And he would be correct. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, whose squad has 3 playoff wins since 2002, remarked, “This is now just a whole slippery slope toward something major we won’t ever be able to turn back from, I mean that in the most negative way possible. What’s next, treating them like humans, too?”

With the second round slated to start Friday night, we’ll see if the backlash has reached the commissioner’s desk, or chair, rather.

MOSCOW – The Kremlin has admitted in a brief press release this evening that the Russian military has been firing on its own troops the entire time they have been involved in the war in Ukraine. The statement explained how, throughout the entire conflict, all Russian casualties have solely been the result of direct fire from differing Russian groups of troops scattered throughout the region. What was not confirmed is whether or not it has been intentional or simply friendly-fire.

An anonymous Ukrainian sergeant commented, “We’ve barely fired a single bullet at Russian troops. We saw one unit of armored vehicles approaching on the main highway one morning, then a couple hours they were air raided by Russian aircraft. Later in the evening that same Russian armored vehicle unit sustained a heavy artillery ambush from the East for at least two-and-a-half hours. After our leadership confirmed it wasn’t us, we knew the Russians were just firing on themselves, for God knows why.”

History of global armed conflicts expert, Sara Tallner, shed some light on the situation saying that Russia was most likely too proud to admit defeat from anyone except themselves. “This is just beyond the meaning of that concept, though,” she said. “Its one thing to firmly believe the only one holding you back is yourself, but to actually put that into practice? I’m actually losing sleep trying to determine their true motivation for this. Just maddening. I mean, I know they were struggling to push back the Ukrainians to begin with, but I suppose they can just blame this military failure on being defeated by themselves,” Tallner elaborated.

The revelation comes after a couple of shocking reports over the past week of Russia’s Black Sea fleet flagship, the Moskva, sinking after only acknowledging an onboard fire (and no attack), and President Vladimir Putin today pulling the plug on foreign listed companies on the Russian stock exchange.