JACKSON, MS – The State of Mississippi’s Department of Archives and History (DAH) released a statement on Monday that the State will be officially declaring an end to it’s Pre-Civil War reenactment of 155 years, the longest such reenactment in recorded history.

DAH Head Beth Sunderland said in the statement, “While it grieves the State to formally cease operations of this rich historical tradition, true Mississippians know it will continue eternally in their hearts and in their children’s hearts.”

The official end date is set for January 20, 2021, for reasons not explicitly stated by the DAH. “This was a completely arbitrary deadline selected by the DAH for no reason whatsoever, but it had to happen some time, so we just picked that date,” Sunderland revealed in a press conference this afternoon in front of the Capital building. After being probed why, then, the reenactment was being cancelled at all she responded, “Unforseen circumstances revealed themselves to us over the course of November that suggested to us it would be unwise to continue the reenactment in public.” She additionally wanted to make it clear that the State will continue to operate as though nothing happened, and did not allude to whether or not the State will acknowledge events between now and the beginning of the Civil War in any future reenactments.

This story will continue to be updated as it develops.

WASHINGTON — U.S. Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK), took to the Senate floor today amidst a highly contested debate about gun control in wake of the tragic events that transpired in Las Vegas.  Just days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern United States history, which left 59 people dead and about 500 others injured, the U.S. Senate called a special session to debate gun control policy.  Inhofe, who strongly denies that any sort of gun policy would have any effect whatsoever on the ability for anyone to buy any kind of gun, brought a gun on the Senate floor and proceeded to shoot himself in the abdomen as a real example that gun control policies would not work.  “See?” he strained through his clenched teeth, holding on to the podium for dear life to prevent passing out from the pain and blood loss, “No amount of policy could have stopped me from shooting myself in the gut just now.”  Met with applause from several Republican Senators he continued, “In case we’ve forgotten, this year has been the year with the lowest recorded gun related deaths to date on Earth,  I don’t care what any scientist or the news says.  You know what this is? It’s a gun that I just picked up from outside, so no piece of paper is just going to make it go away.”  Inhofe was then almost immediately taken to the nearest hospital and was not available for any further comment.

NORMAN, OK — When first graders from McKinley Elementary School gathered at Sandra Underwood’s house for her sixth birthday party, no one expected to see anything out of the ordinary.  Kids and parents had been celebrating for about half an hour before the cake was brought out and it was time to sing ‘happy birthday’.  It wasn’t until the banner reading “Happy Birthday Sandra” had been revealed and singing had commenced that little Jimmy Haynes shocked everyone in attendance by getting down on one knee for the duration of the song.  Mr. Shaffer, who was in attendance with his daughter, commented, “I’ve never seen a more disrespectful gesture toward the happy birthday song.  Sandra was standing right there, and this was a direct slap to the face for her and quite frankly for everyone who has had a birthday before her.  I won’t allow this.”  When confronted about the reasoning behind his actions, Jimmy said, “This isn’t about Sandra’s birthday at all, this is about my own.  I’ve never had a birthday party because my parents won’t let me.  This was really just a way to get everyone to listen to me, since my parents just dropped me off and left.”  Debate immediately abounded whether everyone should be forced to sing ‘happy birthday’ or not, with the main concern being complete and utter obedience surrendered to whoever’s birthday it was because “God dammit it’s their birthday!” asserted Mr. Shaffer.  Others, however, were in favor of Jimmy’s expression to bring awareness to the fact he’s never had a birthday party.  One mother in attendance, Nancy Cobart, expressed, “What the hell kind of parents aren’t giving their six year old kids a birthday party? He deserves one just like everyone else.”  While debates among the parents continued for hours, all the kids forgot about it once they ate all the cake and started playing pin the tail on the donkey.

Generally known for their vows to a life of extreme poverty and material sacrifice, Franciscan monks usually wear a simple gray or brown tunic, surrendering monetary incomes to the church, rarely shaving, and wearing sandals or no shoes at all.  The latter appears to be the center of frustration among some of the order, as revealed in an interview with a Franciscan monk who wished to remain anonymous, fearing backlash from his superiors.  “It becomes increasingly difficult to uphold our sacred vows as we venture farther and farther into this new digital age of the internet.  There’s just too much information out there that’s instantly accessible.  I’m not proud to admit this, but I am a sinner, and I am guilty of occasionally getting on Zappos and just browsing through the men’s shoes pages,” he admitted.  He isn’t sure if he can actually be kicked out of the order just for looking at shoes online, but Zappos is known among the community as a notorious site to cause issues.  He is reluctant to admit his addiction because of the intense shame he would feel from his fellow brothers.  But, sometimes the overwhelming temptation is just too much, and after a long, stressful day its his perfect way to relax.  “After praying on my knees for six total hours and walking seven miles barefoot into town and back every day, its almost impossible not to think about what a nice well-structured Brooks would feel like on my arches,” he said.  He’s not too worried about getting caught either, saying,  “I only look on my phone and don’t use the monastery computers to be extra safe about browser history and viruses and stuff like that”  When asked if the Franciscan order would reevaluate and loosen regulations on shoes he commented,”No, but I’ll be honest, if St. Francis had been born in this time period I don’t think he would’ve been so adamant about the shoe thing.  Shoes these days are just incredible.”

Researchers from OU’s Department of Psychology made a startling and well anticipated discovery this week concerning the philosophical dilemma of life after death.  After months of monitoring brain activity of deceased OU alumni, researchers were able to map images created by the brain that resembled the patient in a constant state of driving around parking lots trying to find a parking spot.  Analysis shows that patients who were classified as having immoral or unethical lifestyles were more subject to being tricked by motor bikes and compact cars hidden by surrounding parked cars.  Certain areas of these subjects’ brains were active that correspond to same areas of the brain that are active when phrases such as “Are you fucking kidding me”, and “Yes! Finally a sp- ah you bitch!” are processed.  Further analysis shows that some subjects eventually found a spot, although some did not have a parking pass and were either ticketed or towed.  “The implication of that particular analysis implies that, unfortunately, those subjects were not destined to find a parking spot, if you know what I mean,” said Psychology graduate student Parker Shaw, a co-author of the study.  He continued, “Further research is needed to determine if searching in certain parking areas such as the duck pond or the Jenkins Avenue parking garage leads to an increased probability in finding a spot, or if following people walking to cars or offering rides to parked cars also contributes to this probability.”  The study establishes a monumental step in discovering what happens after death, and researchers hope that people will consider how long they will have to look for parking spot for motivation to live a more honorable life, or perhaps even consider riding a bike to campus.

In response to dangerous and threatening events occurring on campuses across the country and on OU’s campus, the school has signed a deal with the United States Department of Defense allowing militarization of the OU Police Department.  The school cites a strong desire for increased security and comfort on campus in order to cultivate a proper environment where students can thrive.  “We should have about thirty M3A3 Bradley’s with some other armored vehicles patrolling campus in just a couple weeks,” said a spokesperson for the OUPD, adding that twelve M1 Abrams’, eighteen M1129 Mortar Carriers, and dozens of assault rifles, grenades, and other equipment will accompany the shipment, along with trained personnel.  Daniel Mahoney of the university’s Public Relations office assured this is in the best interest of the entire community, saying, “This is really all about campus security.  Think about it, you’re walking to class and you see dozens of armed soldiers and tanks lined up and down South Oval, recon snipers on top of every building, what could possibly provide more comfort than that?  I’d really like to see some hate groups try to protest while under constant mortar and sniper fire.”  Mahoney went on to acknowledge the increased risk of drunk students inadvertently stumbling across designated mine fields or trying to persuade soldiers for rides back to the dorms in a tank.  Still, he insisted the campus community will be far better off with this newest revision of campus police.